Seasons and Chapter List

Season One (2003), episodes 01 to 24:

1. Pilot.
2. Big flappy bastards.
3. Go East on Sunset until you reach the Gates of Hell.
4. If I can't write my chocolate song, I'm going to take a nap.
5. Last thing u want is to wind up with a hump.
6. Did u check with the captain of the flying monkeys?.
7. If they do go either way, they usually are fake.
8. 25 pre-pubers without a snoot-ful.
9. Phase one, complete.
10. Merry thanksgiving.
11. Alan Harper, frontier chiropractor.
12. Camel filters + Pheromones.
13. Sara like puny Alan.
14. I can't afford Hyenas.
15. Round one to the hot crazy chick.
16. That was saliva Alan.
17. Ate the hamburgers, wearing the hats.
18. An old flame with a new wick.
19. I remember the coatroom, I just don't remember you.
20. Hey, I can pee outside in the dark.
21. No sniffing, no wowing.
22. My doctor has a cow puppet.
23. Just like Buffalo.
24. Can you feel my finger?.

Season 2 (2004), episodes 01 to 24:

1. Back off Mary Poppins!
2. Enjoy those garlic balls.
3. A bag full of Jawea.
4. Go get mommy's bra.
5. Bad news from the clinic.
6. The price of healthy gums is eternal vigilance.
7. A kosher slaughterhouse out in Fontana.
8. Frankestein and the horny villagers.
9. Yes, monsignor.
10. The salmon under my sweater.
11. Last chance to see those tattoos.
12. A lungful of Alan.
13. Get off my hair!. (also know as: Zejdz z Moich Wlosów)
14. Those big pink things with coconut.
15. Smell the umbrella stand.
16. Can u eat human flesh with wooden teeth?.
17. Woo-hoo, a hernia exam!.
18. It was Mame, mom.
19. A low, gutteral, tongue-flapping noise.
20. I always wanted a shaved monkey.
21. A sympathetic crotch to cry on.
22. That old hose bag is my mother.
23. Squab, squab, squab, squab, squab.
24. Does this smell funny to you?.

Season 3 (2005), Episodes 01 to 24:

1. Weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic Gymnasts.
2. Principal Gallagher's lesbian lover.
3. Carpet burns and bite marks.
4. Your dismissive attitude towards boobs.
5. We called it Mr. Pinky.
6. Hi, Mr. Horned One.
7. Sleep tight, puddin' pop.
8. That Voodoo that I do do.
9. Madame and her special friend.
10. Something salted and twisted.
11. Santa's village of the damned.
12. That special tug.
13. Humilliation is a visual medium.
14. Love isn't blind, it's retarded.
15. My tongue is meat.
16. Ergo, the booty call.
17. The unfortunate little Schnauser.
18. The spit-covered cobbler.
19. Golly Moses, she's a muffin.
20. Always a bridesmaid, never a burro.
21. And the plot moistens.
22. Just once with aunt Sophie.
23. Arguments for the quickie.
24. That pistol-packin' hermaphrodite.

Season 4 (2006), episodes from 01 to 24:

1. Working for Caligula.
2. Who's Vod Kanockers?
3. The sea is a harsh mistress.
4. A pot smoking monkey.
5. A live woman of proven fertility.
6. Apologies for the frivolity.
7. Repeated blows to his unformed head.
8. Release the dogs.
9. Corey's been dead for an hour.
10. Kissing Abraham Lincoln.
11. Walnuts and demerol.
12. Castrating sheep in Montana.
13. Don't worry, Speed Racer.
14. That's summer sausage, not salami.
15. My damn stalker.
16. Young people have phlegm too.
17. I merely slept with a commie.
18. It never rains in Hooterville.
19. Smooth as a Ken doll.
20. Aunt Myra doesn't pee a lot.
21. Tucked, taped and gorgeous.
22. Mr. McGlue's feedbag.
23. Anteaters. They're just crazy lookin'.
24. Prostitutes and gelato.

Nielsen Ratings for Two and a Half Men.
2003-2004 Season: #15
2004-2005 Season: #11
2005-2006 Season: #17
2006-2007 Season: #19